Dirty Dishes	Dirty Dishes Archive

Thanks to the several readers who sent squibs about Europe's first "Masturbate-a-thon," a fund-raiser for London's repro-health charity Mary Stopes International and the anti-HIV organization Terrence Higgins Trust. Rules on the event's website state there can be no touching of other participants, nor are people allowed to fake orgasms. "The amount you raise will be determined by how many minutes you masturbate and/or how many orgasms you achieve," the website says. Reportedly, the "world record" of eight hours and 30 minutes of non-stop pud-pulling was to be challenged.

T

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hough 250 participants reportedly signed up to stroke for dough (how does one approach potential sponsors?), evidently only a few dozen showed up;

Dawn has been, to date, unable to ascertain which world records may have been shattered.

The idea of record-keeping for masturbatory activity raises some interesting definitional problems. What counts as masturbation? For some, ever-so-slowly grinding one's hips into a pillow is how solo Os are had; do judges recognize rubbing thusly against one's bedding as masturbating? And how are orgasms to be tallied? After the second squirt of the afternoon, ejaculate is unlikely to be copious or even observable; will facial flushing be evaluated, or will the honor system prevail?

In Dawn's sophomore year of college, in a deep term-paper-avoidance funk, Dawn managed to rub out six orgasms in just under thirty minutes. (After the first three, Dawn was watching the clock in an overt effort to set a personal best.) The satisfaction of accomplishing something never-before (nor since) achieved partially compensated for a terrible chafed glans, but Dawn is not sure whether any international judging authority would have been able to verify cums four, five, and six, as they resembled painful neurologically-rooted seizures more than ecstatic releases of love juice.

And those promoting masturbation as a sporting contest may want to consider the scandalous state of competitive cycling; will wanking contestants need to be tested for Viagra doping? Is there a way to mask one's Levitra levels? Are orgasm-inhibiting anti-depressants to be allowed in contests of duration? Dawn can only hope some Olympic committee is on the case....