Loose Lips	Loose Lips Archive

In ancient times­ the 70s and 80s, for example­ it seemed that many gay men were fond of labelling exactly what they did, and did not do, sexually. In addition to the usual age/height/weight/dick-size information, personal ads would often give detailed information about preferred activities. This information was provided in a coded form, where Greek stood for anal intercourse and French for oral sex.

In this code, the guy whose dick is inside someone else is referred to as the active partner, and the other guy is the passive partner. So "French passive" meant that you like to suck, and "Greek active" meant that you like to fuck. These terms would then usually be abbreviated to something like Gr a/Fr p. Miss Poubelle has the impression that these abbreviations have gone the way of Morse Code. A quick look at the personal ads at www.guidemag.com didn't turn up anyone using this kind of language.

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Probably the Internet is responsible for some of this change. When you had to pay for personal ads by the number of words or lines that they contain, it was important to squeeze the information into the smallest possible space. Now personal ads can be much longer, since space on the Internet is far less critical. Partly due to the availability of space, Internet personals these days are more expansive and tend more toward personality and lifestyle preferences. So guys these days tend to write personal ads that sound like the following:

Super outgoing and masculine-type guy, longing to get to know another great guy with similar yet different attributes. Willing to share any/all aspects of life to date and embark on a lifelong journey where the adventures and companionship will outweigh the risks, both calculated or otherwise. Be ready for an athletically minded voyage with biking, blading, and outdoor activities galore by day....

But 25 years ago, guys wrote ads more like this:

GWM, 35, 6'0", 200, 7", u/c, Gr/Fr a sks u/c GBM 20-30. No fats/fems.

The rise of the Internet explains part of the shift in personal ads. It can explain why people are no longer forced into abbreviations or the French/Greek code language. But it doesn't explain why overt information about penis size, cut/uncut status, and preference in sexual activities seems to be increasingly rare in these ads.

Related to this change in personal ads is the decline of the hanky code. For the young readers out there who are unfamiliar with the code­ in some bars and in some cities, gay men signalled each other by wearing handkerchiefs in various colors. For example, a navy-blue handkerchief worn in the left rear pocket was a signal that someone was a top in anal sex. And a gray hanky in the right-rear pocket meant that you wanted to be tied up. This code seems increasingly rare in gay venues, though it possibly persists in some leather scenes.

It seems to Blanche that the explanation must lie in a shift in culture among gay men. She suspects that men still like the same things that they always liked, but that they are no longer putting physical attributes and favorite sex acts front and center when looking for a long-term or temporary partner.

That's probably a good thing, especially when we're looking for something more than a quick fuck. The boundaries that the hanky codes and the old personal ads put up between what guys like to do in bed were artificial and rigid. It's been Blanche's observation that most gay men are pretty flexible about sexual roles, and the research seems to back this up.

One researcher, Nick Yee, surveyed 396 men at www.gay.com and asked them about their preferences in anal sex. 10.9% reported that they were exclusively bottoms and 11.6% were exclusively tops. 69.3% were flexible about role, and 7.8% didn't have anal sex or didn't know their preference. (More fascinating details are available at http://www.nickyee.com/ponder/topbottom.html.)

Maybe the old rigidity about who does what is giving way to a recognition that most of us like a variety of things. And gay men are learning that when we're looking for a partner, what he does in bed is less important than who he is in the rest of his life.