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Raiders of the Lost Arse
Rating: 3 Stars
Produced, edited, and directed by Chris Ward. Videography by Lief Gobo. Music by J.D. Slater. Starring Jeff Allen, Simon Cox, Jeremy Tucker, Sam Dixon, Max Grand, Jason Hawke, Michael Soldier, and Bryce Pierce.
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This handsomely produced pornoarchaeological folly is about as coherent as the recent PG13 mainstream hit The Mummy Returns, and has a comparable grasp of Egyptian antiquity. Luckily, once we get through introductory titles as long as the Book of the Dead, it's much more erotic.

We're told that the "American Institution of Advanced Studies Archaeology Expedition" is searching for the tomb of Sethmosis the Great, a pharaoh who was entombed alive in 1736 B.C. for fooling around with "his fellow man." This means that while J.D. Slater's Stravinsky-flavored score rakes the soundtrack, six indomitably shirtless Indiana Jones types whose field technique amounts to "Go see what you can find over there by that big rock" must pick their way through expanses of Egyptian desert that bear an uncanny resemblance to the outskirts of Palm Springs.

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As they near their goal, they seem to enter one of those homoerotic force fields that compels everybody to drop his shorts and grab his neighbor's penis. After several sun-kissed frolics culminating in a scorching three-way for Max Grand, Jason Hawke, and insatiable newcomer Michael Soldier, expedition leader Jeff Allen finds his way into Sethmosis's final resting place. There, by the light of 3700-year-old candles, he tangles first with a Nubian tomb guard (Simon Cox), then with Sethmosis himself (Bryce Pierce).

Peeking out of rumpled bandages, Sethmosis looks like a lost trick-or-treater. Once his mummy wrappings are unwound, however, Pierce puts his kingly presence (and trademark dick-piercings) to work, making skilled use of Thirteenth Dynasty latex condoms and-- in the uncensored edition-- surgical gloves. Raiders has been released in fisting and non-fisting versions; the unexpurgated "hardcore mail-order edit," subtitled The Mummy's Hand, is superior and worth seeking out.