February 2008 Cover
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By
French Wall
The
great chronicler of gay sex Boyd McDonald was fond of repeating the
aphorism "How often have we gone out looking for sex but found
only love." As he did so often, Boyd managed to lampoon our
culture's inverted sexual values with words that seem, at first,
to be twisted in order to amuse. But Boyd wasn't just being clever
or ironic -- his seemingly mangled proverb, taken at face-value,
exposes how we are ill-served by prevalent attitudes about sex and
love.
"Love," as used in
Boyd's maxim, is a treacly sentiment. This love is easily felt for
strangers or those recently-met, for it is really just a euphemism
for sexual attraction. Characters in fairy tales, soap operas, and
even -- as Boyd notes -- gay cruising "fall in love" with a
glance. Our culture doesn't allow the handsome prince -- upon
spying the demure damsel -- to exclaim, "Boy, I'd like a romp
in the sack with her!" Instead, he must fall in love and court her
with romantic gestures. Because sex is "dirty," sexual
attraction must be dressed up as love. This understanding of love
and similar games of courtship are played out throughout gay life.
In personal ads, bar conversations, and even porn fantasies, sexual
desire is "redeemed" by love's purity.
But love isn't a
sentiment. It is a decision. Love isn't what makes your dick hard.
It is a commitment to treat someone else's needs on par with your
own. Honesty, loyalty, and compassion -- not sexual attraction --
signal love's presence.
Confusing gooey love (the
mask for sexual attraction) with real love is the source of much
heartache. Sentimental lovebirds often fall into the same pattern.
The initial few weeks (or months) of getting to know someone are
full of "love"; the sex is hot, and the unknown aspects of their
love objects can be filled in with idealized fantasy. But, over
time, a real person comes into focus, and the heat unique to initial
sexual couplings fades. These lovebirds then begin to have doubts
about their love. They eventually dump their prince charming and
begin shopping for another, someone whose truer love will signal
itself by more intense sexual longing. After several of these
cycles, such lovebirds often become bitter, blaming men for being
incapable of love, when, in fact, it is their own terrible
misunderstanding that is the source of their frustration.
As gay people, we have a
head start at avoiding the woe that inevitably comes from sexual
attraction masquerading as love. We can recognize that conscious
decisions form a far better foundation for relationships than
something as fickle as sexual attraction. Relationships based on
real love don't panic when the initial sexual fireworks naturally
mature; pleasant familiarity and trust are the rewards of a
long-term loving sexual relationship. And since possessive jealousy
-- sexual or otherwise -- is not part of a loving relationship,
real lovers need not forego the sexual thrills that new playmates
can provide.
But as Boyd's aphorism
laments, many gay men succumb to modeling their sex and love lives
on fairy tales and soap operas. They thereby miss out not only on
sex enjoyed for its own sake, but also on a richer understanding of
love.
Having learned to chuck
out all the lies we were ever taught about gay sex, let's also
have the courage to proclaim the truth about love. This Valentine's
season, let's commit ourselves to showing the world that love is
about something more profound than how or where or with whom we rub
our genitals. Let's make gay sex fun and gay love real.
Reprinted from
The Guide, February 1999
| Author Profile: French Wall |
| French Wall is the managing editor of The
Guide |
| Email: |
french@guidemag.com |
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