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Impromptus
Rating: 2 Stars
Produced and photographed by Pavel Nikos. Written and directed by Wim Hof. Edited by Steve Bennett. Starring El Greco, Pepa, Andel, Milan Dabelsky, Karel Pisek, Pavel Holub, Velky Curak, and Kristen Paulik.
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Under a relentless gush of music by Gounaud, Fibich, Schubert, Smetana, Mozart, Beethoven, Tchaikovsky, Bach, Grieg, Brahms, and Verdi, Impromptus follows the fortunes of a blond, curly-haired Czech lad called El Greco. We first see him picking up his buddies Pepa and Andel at a suburban train station and taking them back to the pension where he presumably lives. Although Andel's arm is in a sling, the three friends don green jerseys and play sprightly football. Later, submerged in a candlelit peach-colored haze, they doll themselves up in tuxedos, quaff cold champagne, smoke big cigars, dance ą trois, remove the tuxedos, and drift into slow, caring sex so sensitive that getting hard seems almost beside the point. A fleeting highlight comes when Pepa sucks the thumb protruding from Andel's cast.

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Alas, El Greco must go to Prague, where he sells Beanie Babies on the street. There, he's picked up by Milan Dabelsky, who shaves him, goes over his underpants with a big wet sponge, and tugs his penis to selections from The Magic Flute. Later, after a diversion at a country house with ugly wallpaper, El Greco travels to Budapest, where he's been summoned to service a mysterious man in a hat. After this encounter, he returns home, where he orgies in the basement of the pension, down amid the coal.

Whatever director Wim Hof intends this to mean, it's all a bit much. Replete with highfalutin Euro-trash production values that recall the '70s soft-core schlock of Radley Metzger, this is the porn equivalent of a five-pound box of chocolates. You may love it; it may make you sick. Or you may feel that at least the fruity dialogue rewards your patience. In emphatic moments these boys break into English. "We will all drink from the same glass!" says Pepa portentously. Helpful subtitles translate key lines uttered in Czech, like "Hang your pants on the coat-tree," "Can I take it out now?" and "Don't let your briefs fall on the floor-- they will become black like wood."