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Latino Friendship Across Time
Rating: 1 Star
Produced, directed, written, photographed, and edited by Gilbert Mountaincross. Starring Papolo, Pito Pingon, JT, Luis, GQ, Panther, Tony, Angel, and Johnny.
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Blatino troops in 18th-century uniform, ahead of their time in 1595, defend San Juan's Castillo El Morro against incursions from marauding pirates. One day Papolo, the fort's commander, spies dimly attractive Pito Pingon on the ramparts clutching a spear that might have been discarded from Tarzan and the Leopard Woman. Smitten, he invites Pingon indoors for feeble cocksucking, a rite of passage that permits the sentry to become his personal attendant.

Next, in typical Spanish colonial shower room, five men bathe while a sixth nude soldier (excusing the one-man crew from renting a third costume) plays guitar. When Pingon appears and says he's been made the captain's right-hand man, spastic naked wrestling ensues, then somnolent masturbation and peckish fellatio. Pingon soon goes back to his commander's quarters for carnal delights obscured by 16th-century lighting. The next day, when pirates attack, Pingon takes a bullet meant for Papolo, and dies.

F

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our hundred and some-odd years later, Papolo and Pingon are soldiers fighting "terrorists" in the Pennsylvania woods, an occupation that entails sitting around a picnic table beating off. Meanwhile, two of their colleagues whack off elsewhere in the underbrush. Eventually, back at the picnic table, danger approaches. "Those fuckin' terrorists!" Pingon complains. "We can't even bust a nut in peace." Then it's Papolo's turn to be killed, and Latino Friendship ends-- at which point you may want to fling your shoes at the screen if you haven't already.

Adapting his 1996 story "The Soldier of El Morro," Gilbert Mountaincross went to some trouble and expense, including a brief Puerto Rican location shoot. But dreary, minimal sex, a rock-bottom script, models who are lifeless long before they die, and unrelenting technical ineptitude all add up to a very long 68 minutes.