News Slant	News Slant Archive

Legions of office workers made limp-wristed from carpal tunnel syndrome­ and a lot of curious gay men­ perked up ears this month when Microsoft announced its long-awaited Gerbil­ the world's first computer pointing device to put the powerful anal sphincter and rectal musculature to work pushing the cursor around the desktop.

Codenamed "Urgogami," the Gerbil was the centerpiece of this month's Frankfurt Electronics Show. First prototyped in 1978 by Carnegie-Mellon's Personal Interface Engineering Umbrella workgroup (PerInEUm), the anal-insertive device had been dismissed as "vaporware" as deadline after deadline passed. In fact, Microsoft engineers were on the job at the firm's Redmond, Washington, skunk works, and this month in Frankfurt, their efforts showed off.

View our poll archive

As the first to introduce a computer pointing device that's rectally manipulated, Microsoft had to create a category-killer, market experts said, if the Gerbil's debut wasn't just going to just seem like a bad­ and possibly homophobic­ joke.

"Frankly, this is where a lot of our customers have always said our products belong," Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer quipped as the billionaire personally fitted himself with the device before a packed auditorium at Frankfurt's ComerzMesse.

Ballmer said this was only his second time, but he showed how quickly pointing, scrolling, selecting, and double-clicking are accomplished when you "Bring Out Your Inner Talent"-- as the slogan driving the Gerbil's multimillion dollar ad campaign puts it. Dexterity with the Gerbil is readily achieved even for one such as himself, Ballmer related, who is almost an anal-sex virgin.

But it's the technical advances under-the-hood that are the Gerbil's most impressive feature. The USB-equipped device uses a new Bluetooth protocol that's guaranteed not to bite, scorch, or stain­ making it, Ballmer says, "the world's first wireless standard that's proctologist-approved."

But are mainstream computer users ready for a pointing device­ no matter how ergonomic­ that's inserted up the anus?

Microsoft marketing managers are banking on "Yes."

Ballmer points out that many people already use their rectums as an ultra-safe 'security pouch' in international travel. "Like the mouth­ which we use for both eating, baring our teeth, and giving depositions­ the anus isn't about any one thing," he noted, adding that the term meant "old woman" in the original Latin.

Boon for gay media

Perhaps the most exciting news is that a lot of those advertising dollars are earmarked for the lesbian and gay print media­ giving it a vital boost at a time of diminishing reading skills.

"LGBQT people are style leaders and early adapters who are comfortable at high-tech's bleeding edge," says Microsoft spokeswoman Megan Lawes, who adds that the Gerbil­ unlike the actual animal with its sharp, husk-piercing incisors­ is guaranteed not to draw any blood upon insertion.

Rather than sweep "gerbiling's" possible untoward homosexual overtones under the rug, Lawes says Microsoft will confront those implications head-on, by launching the Gerbil with full-page spreads in LGBT newspapers. "The answer to Carpal Tunnel lies up your Love Tunnel," and "It's Not a Fraternity Stunt at Lambda Delta Lambda. It's Smart Computing," are some of the taglines.

While targeting gay men­ with their storied culture of hot anal/rodent-action­ would appear a natural, Microsoft is also taking aim at the lesbian market. Among gay women, the hot seller is expected to be the Gerbil Jr. model, aimed at preventing wrist-injuries in children.

"There are a lot of two-mommy households out there that are very safety-conscious­ and as equally poised handling rectal thermometers as they are brass-studded dildoes," Lawes told The Guide. "We think these mommies will want the best desktop pointing device for their burgeoning broods."

Hard row to hoe

First Microsoft will have to convince consumers that with the new pointing tool in such intimate body-contact, the Gerbil will not pass viruses through users' pink, exquisitely sensitive rectal walls.

But for many former mousers, the Gerbil's sheer convenience and ease-of-use are keeping those fears at bay. Bertha Flatulo, a data-entry engineeer for BellSouth in Atlanta, is one of those happy early adapters.

"People around me always say I don't have much anal control," Flatulo says, "but I found the device easy to master." Flatulo has become such a whiz with the Gerbil that she's programmed one of the device's seven customizable buttons so that, with just a quick anal wink, she autofaxes her daily order for Three-Bean Chili from Jaunas's Cucina Caliente downstairs.

Experts say Bertha and thousands like her are riding the wave of the future. With computer-users' eyes strained, necks sore, and wrists aching, the race is on to deploy more underutuilized muscle-groups to the business of controlling the desktop.

The progress seems unstoppable. Ballmer closed his Gerbil demonstation in Frankfurt annoucing that Microsoft researchers already have "proof-of-concept" for a device that deploys the human gag-reflex to automatically turn on Windows XP-enabled devices.