Magazine Article	Articles Archive

from The Guide, March 1994

Ever wander through a crowded bar or a gay pride march and wonder, "How many of the guys here have ever tasted the cum of a brother, an uncle, or their father?"

It was this sort of intrepid curiosity about gay sex that inspired The Guide's survey on incest, which appeared in the October, 1993 issue the same sort of curiosity that prompted some 110 readers to send in the responses that are analyzed here.

The survey looked at gay men's experiences with and attitudes on incest. How many of us have had sex with members of our family? How do we remember the experiences? How often do our fantasies take off in incestuous directions? How would we respond if we found out a friend was having sex oral sex with his older brother, or masturbating his teenage nephew? The survey also looked at behaviors that fall short of full-fledged incest, but still involve eroticism within the family things like spying on a cousin jerking off, or sniffing an uncle's unwashed undies.

View our poll archive

One-hundred-ten people responded to the survey. Responses came from 23 states, three Canadian provinces, and Australia, Costa Rica, and Hong Kong. The most responses from any one place were from Massachusetts (16), followed by Texas (13). Given their tiny representation, we did not tabulate the two surveys received from women and straight men in our total sample of 110. The average age of respondents was 37 years. The youngest was 18, and the oldest 79. Seventy-percent lived in the city, a quarter in the suburbs, and the rest in the country.

Who's having incest? With whom?

The survey asked respondents, "Have you ever had a sexual encounter (activities such as fondling, mutual masturbation, oral sex, or intercourse) with a member of your family." Sixty men 55 percent of the respondents answered "yes."

Among the people who had incestuous sex, by far the most frequent partner was a brother (52 percent of those reporting any incest), closely followed by male cousin (40 percent). The next most frequent relative mentioned was uncle (12 percent), followed by sister (10 percent), father (eight percent), mother (five percent), and aunt (three percent).

Only one respondent each had had sex with a niece, son, stepfather, or female cousin. (Totals are more than 100 percent because some respondents had sex with more than one relative.)

The vast majority of these cases of sex within the family took place in childhood or adolescence. The average age of at which the sex began was 13 years, and the average age of the incestuous partner was 17 years.

Good experiences

We asked respondents who had engaged in incest to sum up "in a few words... how you feel overall about your incest experience." A large majority 70 percent recalled their experiences positively.

"My brother has always been my hero," writes a 38-year-old man from New York had sex with his brother for three years, starting when he was 12 and the brother was 15. "He believes everyone is basically bisexual. When 1 came out, he helped me love myself. We are as close as ever, and I'm very close to this wife and kids."

"It was no big deal. We were just kids, but I learned a lot," writes a 28-year-old Louisiana man who had sex for four years starting when he was ten with his 11-year-old uncle and male cousin.

"Enjoyed every minute of it," says a Georgia respondent, 48 years old, about the sex he had when he was 16 over the course of a year with his 17-year-old male cousin.

"It's better to learn from family than questionable strangers," writes a 45-year-old Minnesota man, who recalls having sex twice with his 17-year-old male cousin when he was 14.

The sex a 28-year old Georgia respondent had when he was 13 with his 16-year-old brother and his male cousin "was the only affection I received as a child," the man writes.

"Glad it happened," writes a 59-year-old Massachusetts respondent about the one time he had sex with his father, when he was 15 and his father was 44.

"I was sorry when it ended," writes a 58-year-old man, also from the Bay State, about having sex with his brother over the course of five years, starting when he was 11 and his brother was nine.

"I feel fortunate to have learned all there is to man-to-man sex," writes a 33-year-old Florida man who, starting at age 16, had sex with his 18-year-old brother for four years.

"He touched me in bed, and I liked it. He did it like I was himself," writes a 33-year-old Massachusetts man about masturbating two times when he was 11 with his 13-year-old male cousin.

"I enjoyed it," writes a 50-year-old New York respondent who, for ten-years starting at age six, engaged in sex play with his 40-year-old uncle.

"My only regret is the beating we got when we were caught," writes a 43-year-old New York man who had sex with his brothers and sisters beginning in childhood and continuing through his teenage years. "I will cherish my incestuous memories till the day I die."

"Great," is how a 35-year-old Texas respondent describes the sex he recently had sex with his 18-year-old nephew.

"Although these experiences no longer happen, I still fantasize about them. They made me feel great," writes a 32-year-old man from British Columbia about sex he had over seven years with his brother starting when he was 12 and his brother was eight.

Bad experiences

Eighteen percent of respondents who had incest said that their experiences were negative.

"Sorry I did it," says a 34-year-old New Jersey man about having sex with his eight-year-old brother when he was 17.

"I feel I was forced into it," writes a 41-year-old Massachusetts man about sex he had over five-years with his 18-year-old brother starting when he was 13. Later, when he was 20, he had a two-year relationship with his male cousin.

"Bad, negative feelings afterwards," says a 25-year-old Oregon man about a one-year affair he had with his 30-year-old aunt when he was 24.

"Confused and angry," says a 33-year-old Texas man about sexual encounters he had with his father starting when he was three. The respondent adds that he is "disappointed my dad and I did not get to have real good sex when I was older."

"Uncomfortable, awkward," is how a 35-year-old Massachusetts man recalls sex he had for "years" with his brother starting when he was 11 and his brother was 12.

A 30-year-old Quebec man says he feels "guilt and regret" over the time he had sex with his 28-year-old male cousin when he was 30.

"I feel that the effects last a lifetime and affect your sex life forever," writes a 46-year-old New York man about sex his mother had with him over three years starting when he was three years old.

A 25-year-old respondent wrote that he is "sickened" about the sex he had with his sister over two months when he was nine and she was eight

"I think it's sad and depressing," says a 36-year-old man who had sex with his mother for 13 years starting when he was 10, and also had sex with his stepfather.

Mixed experiences

Twelve percent of respondents who had incest experience were neutral or mixed about what happened.

"Ambivalent," is how a 27-year-old Texas man describes his feelings about a nine-year relationship he had with his male cousin, starting when he was 12 and the cousin was 14.

A 37-year-old Massachusetts man who had sex with his sister for about ten months when he was 14 and she was eight says he feels "bad" about what he did, but feels neutral about sex he had at age 20 with his 37-year-old uncle.

A 31-year-old New York respondent says he feels "slightly uncomfortable" and "nostalgic" about sex he had for about a year starting at age eight with a 10-year-old male cousin.

"I wish the sex had been hotter, more thorough, and less tenuous," writes a 54-year-old New York man who had sex over six months when he was 14 with his 20-year-old uncle.

An 44-year-old Florida respondent says he feels "slight guilt, not terrible" over sex he had over two years with his 14-year-old sister starting when he was 12, but that he feels fine about sex he had at age eight with his seven-year-old male cousin.

"I didn't get it, so I felt silly," writes a 26-year-old Ohio man about having sex twice with his male cousin when they were both 11.

Proto-incest

In addition to asking about direct sexual contact with family members, the survey queried respondents about other kinds of erotic involvement with family members short of full-blown sex.

· 28 percent of respondents report sniffing the underwear of a member of the family

· 21 percent have jerked off into a family-member's underwear

· eight percent report watching a member of their family masturbating or having sex

· 38 percent have spied on a family member who was bathing or using the bathroom

· 31 percent have been propositioned to have sex by a family member

· 28 percent have masturbated together, without touching each other, with a family member

· a third have exposed their genitals with erotic intent to someone in their family

· 28 percent have tasted the cum of a (male) family member. Of those who specified whose cum they tasted, half said it was their brother's (52 percent), while 16 percent took the cum of a cousin, 13 percent that of an uncle, 12 percent that of a father or stepfather. One respondent each had tasted the cum of a nephew and a son.

There was a striking discrepancy between the number of respondents reporting spying on family members (38 percent) and those reporting having been spied on (nine percent), which suggests that most intra-familial voyeurs are never found out.

How we feel about intra-family sex

In order to gauge respondents' attitudes about incest, we presented two fictional scenarios. After each were a series of statements. Respondents checked off the ones with which they agreed.

Scenario one: Mark and Joe are brothers just a year apart in age but growing up they were a study in contrasts. Mark, the younger of the pair, was a social butterfly in high school and always had girlfriends, while Joe was an introverted math whiz who never dated. Mark went on to drama school, and at 23, is now a waiter-actor in New York. Joe is 24 and programs computers in Salt Lake City. They're back together in Des Moines at their parents' house for the holidays, seeing each other for the first time in two years. With the house full of relatives, mom asks her two sons if they wouldn't mind sharing a bed. Soon after lights are out, Mark tells his older brother, "I know you're not going to believe this, but I've realized over the past year that I'm gay. It's been hard for me, but I'm really ready to accept my true feelings." Joe can't believe his ears because he has been secretly grappling with the same issue out in Salt Lake City, though he has never yet had sex with another man. Joe tells Mark about his own struggle with his feelings. "I know you're going to think this is strange," Joe finally says, "but I want to make love to you tonight. You're someone I can feel safe with, and I want to see what it feels like with another guy." They have sex.

Scenario two: Sixteen-year-old Mike broke his leg and both arms in a water skiing accident. He has been laid up in bed at home for three weeks already, and Mike's dad, Richard, is helping take care of him. One day, as his father is helping the boy change his underwear, Mike gets a hard-on. Richard catches himself getting aroused as he helps his son undress. They've always been a pretty open family, not ashamed of occasionally being nude around each other. But now Richard gets the impulse to do something he's never consciously considered before. "I bet you'd like me to take care of this, son," Richard says, stroking the youth's hard cock. Mike blushes and says, "Yeah, there are some things I just can't do right now." Richard starts masturbating his son, and as they both get more and more aroused, he leans over and takes his son's cock in his mouth, sucking him off to climax.

Responses

In the fraternal incest scenario, 89 percent of respondents agreed with the statement "If they're both into it, what's the big deal?" while 59 percent took that position in the case of the father and son. Seventeen-percent of respondents agreed with the statement, "What the brothers did is not wrong by itself, but other people's likely bad reactions make what they did foolish." In the father-son scenario, 26 percent thought the father was similarly foolish.

Two percent agreed with the statement that "Joe is acting selfishly'' with his brother, while 18 percent thought the father was selfish.

None of the respondents thought the brothers should be sent to prison, while four percent thought the father should.

In the case of the brothers, 62 percent agreed that "I could imagine being Mark in this scenario and enjoying it," and 51 percent said that "I wish I could have had a brother like Mark." In the father-son case, 42 percent said they could imagine being the son in this scenario and enjoying it, and 24 percent said they wish their father had been like Richard.

Despite the relatively high incidence of incest (55 percent) in this sample, respondents do not fantasize about incest very often. Two thirds said they "almost never fantasize or think about sex with a family member," 13 percent said they think about it "yearly," 11 percent said replied "monthly," and 10 percent said they think about it daily or weekly.

On the other hand, 51 percent said "I'll be over in a flash" to a friend's house to watch a video of two sexy (pick your standards) brothers getting it on. Forty-two percent agreed with the statement, "Yeah, [I'll see it] next time I'm over," and only 7 percent said, "I'm not really interested." No respondent ticked the fourth choice, "I don't want to see the tape, and I don't want to see you again, either.")

So what does all this prove? Our respondents were not necessarily a representative sample of Guide readers, let alone gay men. It's possible that people who had had incest, or were intrigued by it, would be likelier than others to take the time to complete and return a survey.

But our results do suggest a point almost never acknowledged in the voluminous discussions of incest in the mass media: that incestuous experiences have varying effects, and that it is not rare for people to experience sex within the family that they recall as positive and affirming.

Editor's Note: from The Guide, March 1994

Author Profile:  Bill Andriette
Bill Andriette is features editor of The Guide
Email:	theguide@guidemag.com