Speaking Out (of his mind!)	Speaking Out Archive

The holiday period can be such a difficult time for those of us who, as I like to say, march to the beat of a different drummer. We are often thrust into a variety of family and social situations in which we are expected to carry on as if we were normal. Playacting can be very difficult if we haven't given it sufficient thought beforehand. So in a spirit of helpfulness, I've drawn up a few guidelines and ground rules to help prevent awkward questions or circumstances.

Rule number one: keep your distance from anyone who appears swishy or diesel-dykish. We are all. probably. burdened with a few friends and acquaintances who might as well walk around wearing a neon sign that flashes "gay." The holiday season is no time to be seen in their company. If they're true friends, they'll understand why it is necessary for you to drop them temporarily. And if they're not, who needs them? The most carefully cultivated heterosexual cover can be jeopardized when one is seen in the company of someone who is clearly "that way."

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Rule number two: if you have a same-sex partner, leave them at home if there is any possibility that through an inadvertent remark, look, or gesture one or the other of you might betray the fact that your relationship is not strictly platonic.

If it is inevitable that you must appear together, try to double up with a same-sex couple of the opposite gender. Decide amongst the four of you which man and which woman will be officially paired, then make a point of introducing everyone to your "date." Guys can help reinforce the correct image by nudging others as they introduce their date and quipping something like, "Get a load of those knockers!"

Rule number three: if you have to attend a function without an appropriate date, allude to your previous partners by converting their names to those of the opposite gender. For example, Harry becomes Harriet, William becomes Wilma, Wanda becomes Wando.

In a similar vein, when describing sexual exploits or fantasies to straight family members or friends at a dinner party, for instance, men should resist the temptation to blurt out, "I haven't sucked cock in over a week," and coolly offer instead that "It's been several days since I've eaten any pussy." Likewise, there is no justification for shocking people with a remark like "I'd like to see the new year in with a big dick up my ass," when with a little thought and consideration one can easily substitute, "I hope to sing 'Auld Lang Syne' this year with a big vagina pressed against my rectum."

Actually, there's no big secret to acquitting oneself properly during the holidays. All my guidelines basically boil down to just using good common sense. The bottom line is you don't want to give anyone offense by imposing your deviant sexuality upon them. After all, the holidays are a time when people want to think happy thoughts. They don't need to be reminded of any unpleasant problems of a personal nature that you might have.

By observing these simple ground rules, you can insure that both you and everyone else will have a truly lovely time.