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Problem: you are a manufacturer of circumcision clamps in Turkey or Singapore-- for the improvement of public health, or in the service of Allah or Mammon. And penises being penises being penises, you want to sell your device all over the world. How to reach potential customers who don't speak your language?

Solution: communicate in English, or try to.

As they skate across the thin ice of promoting a procedure that carries meanings varied and profound, circumcision-clamp marketeers often crash wondrously through. Their pratfalls can be savored by anyone who has made themselves ridiculous in a foreign language.

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South Koreans were introduced to circumcision by American GIs in the 1950s and have since embraced it with gusto-- with some 90 percent of Korean guys cut by high-school age. The "Good Man CDS-8" is the national entry into the global disposable clamp market.

The Daegu City-based Goodman Corporation takes a practical, health-minded view. "The prepuce cause a host of problem ranging from Smegma, Odor and Skin disease men to Leucorrhea, Uterine cancel and Vaginitis in woman." In case the uncut reader isn't yet feeling self-conscious, he's informed "You may suffer venereal disease and even bring women's ailment to your loving woman if you avoid circumcision operation."

Luckily, a solution is at the ready with the model CDS-8. "Everyone easily can do comfortable and clean operation of circumcision device, with no incision, no suture, bloodless and slight pain." And in a summation that rises almost to haiku, "All men's trouble, Circumcision, can be easily solved now."

Singapore-based Zone Consolidation is a firm that got its start licensing Walt Disney toys, but now has branched into condominium development and medical equipment-- including the Pro Device. Zone Consolidation's website gently smoothes over the question of just what happens to foreskin in a circumcision, in the manner of a parent who consoles a grieving child with the lie that beloved Uncle John, recently deceased, is merely off on an extended vacation.

"Pro-Device circumcises the foreskin using the 'clip and heal' method," the company website declares. "When the foreskin is clipped, the Device stops the blood flow to the excess foreskin. This results in the excess foreskin drying after several days, depending on the health of the individual patient." For people of average health, that's said to be four or five days. "When the excess foreskin becomes dry, it will naturally disengage from the uncircumcised part of the foreskin." Poor Uncle John-- he's just having a dry spell.

Pain, shmain

Rival clamp designers attest to the nearly pain-free potential of circumcision with their product. "Upon applying Pro-Device, the patient feels a slight pressure on the area to be circumcised. This discomfort will not be felt a while later," an assurance that might seem ominous if you think about it.

But as the manufacturer goes on to elaborate all the kinds of pain users will not experience, is the protest overmuch? "During the entire period when Pro-Device is applied on the patient, it does not cause any discomfort to the private part or abdominal areas. The patient will not experience any sharp edges poking or pinching into the said areas. Daily normal activities-- such as bathing, urination and engaging in certain sports-- can be carried out."

Safely traveling the road to a circumcised future means carefully following the rules. But don't worry-- they're not hard. "A man over middle-school student age can perform operation by himself," contends the China-based manufacturer of the Zhenxi clamp. (Medical opinion in fact strongly discourages self-circumcision.) Yet parsing those instructions might require a masters degree in Literary Paradox. Step one, according to the makers of the Good Man clamp, is to "Desquamate a skin from glans softly by using Spatula."

Aftercare is important with any surgical procedure. Goodman Corporation encourages users of its clamp to "Enjoy social activities as usual after operation." But keep everything peaceable. Rule number five is "Avoid violent activities and exercise for 2 days." And the richly obscure rule six: "Wear a loose trunk and clean your testicle evening."